How did I get stuck in this mess?

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I know I deserve far better than this.

I know I have a heart of gold. I know I am sincere in my actions towards her. I know I am willing to make it work with her for always. I know I fear God and even though I’m not exactly free with Him because of my guilt I still know that because of Him I won’t hurt her.

Why then does she make me feel so terrible? Why is she always suspicious of my actions and motives? Why is it that when we have a small fight she talks as if there is nothing good about our relationship? Is that how she really sees it? Why is she then with me if it’s as bad as she says it is?

Why does she tell me she loves me and yet whenever I hurt her even if ignorantly she ensures she repays me by wilfully doing something she knows I hate?

Why does she make me feel so inadequate? Why does she make me feel I do not measure up to her standard? Why does she talk to me like that? Why do I have a feeling that she will leave me for some other guy someday? Why does she disrespect me and treat me with contempt? Why? Why?

I have done every good thing I know from past relationships. I have done all I know to do. I have read and applied. I have pleaded, I have reassured and cajoled and promised to do better. But frankly I don’t have a clue what better is.

I am confused. I am in pain.

I can’t ever get through to her. We argue for hours on end. She does not compromise her position for me ever. She even says I’m too soft and she’s not sure who the man in the relationship is.

She wants what she wants when she wants it. If I disagree with her point of view she would sulk and decide not to share her views again.

We are agreed on a few things. But for the most part we are not agreed. I want this she wants that.

We look great together. So everyone says. But those who really know me do not hide their feelings. They tell me she’s no good for me. They tell me my heart will stay broken if I do not give myself what I truly deserve.

I love her so dearly. I can’t imagine life without her. Yes she causes me so much pain and even trashes my manhood. But can’t she change? Who’s to say she won’t change? Am I so good myself? Do I not hurt her at times too?

Dear God, I know I have not been a good boy. I have wilfully disobeyed You over time. I’m even disobeying You right now as I speak. But please, help me. I don’t know how to get myself out of this mess. I know You can help me. I know You can see my tears and the pain in my heart that I can’t share with anyone. Please help me. If she’s not mine please take her away to her rightful place. And please take me to where You have planned for me. I know I have been far from You yet You love me. I am neck deep in this. I can’t take myself out. I’m scared. I have invested too much in it to start over. Where will I even start from? Isn’t someone I know better than someone I’ve not met at all? There are no good girls out there. At least she’s honest with me and tells me the truth whether good or bad. Please help me.

I ask myself if anyone really has it better. I ask myself where the early days went.

I make excuses for her when those closest to me tell me what they observe.

“This is clearly wrong” they say. I say she means no harm. On and on it goes.

The pain deepens. My stellar self-esteem gets weaker and weaker, bruised by the day.

I gradually forget how it feels to be a man. I feel controlled. I desperately want to feel needed, wanted, but nothing. The control gets stronger and stronger. I get weaker and weaker.

I am provoked to unspeakable anger. Wilfully. Violence would adequately address the issue. But my genes disagree. My heart disagrees.

“You were never raised that way. You take good care of your ladies don’t you? You will never hit a woman no matter how provoked you are”.

I swallow my pride. I am very badly wounded. With no one to talk to because of my shame. No one will really understand anyway.

I ask myself, “can I live like this? Is this love?”
The answer is obvious. But I deny it. I hope.
“We can still make it right” I tell myself.

“Joe and Gina have broken up” I hear. A week later it’s “Tosan and Sade”. Yet we go on “strong”.

Everyday a part of me dies some more.
From a careless or rude word spoken.
From a thoughtless action.
From a reminder that I’m not needed.
On and on it goes.

I return to Him.
“If it’s not Your will please let it break”.
Silence.

How do I get out of this mess? How did I get stuck in this? Why can’t I leave? Why is leaving not an option in my mind? Why do I love her so much? There is nothing special about her. Is something wrong with me? Am I desperate? Don’t other girls cast glances at me? Don’t people pay me compliments? Were my exes and flings not happy with me as a guy? Where have I gone wrong?

____

If you are familiar with any part of the story above you probably know how it feels to be stuck in such a deep and extremely painful rut. Some have been permanently damaged by it. Many will advice on how to leave, claiming that people who find themselves in such situations have low self-esteem issues. This is false however.

No matter how bad it may be now know that there is hope. God answers prayers. It is what He does. He enjoys doing it. Even the cry of a sinner for help gets to His ears. And He gives it.

He turns lives around. He has done it before. He is doing it now. He will still do it.

If you are in such a situation, ask Him to help you. Ask Him to come into your heart and be your personal Lord and Saviour. Ask for His will to be done in your life and in your relationship.

His hands are not too short to deliver. Psalms 34:4. 116:8. 121:1.
He who made eyes and ears also sees and hears.
He makes all things beautiful in His time. Ecclesiastes 3:11.
He knows the thoughts He has towards you, thoughts of peace, to give you a hope and a future, an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11.

He wants nothing to stand in the way of His perfect plans for you.

Do not despair. There is hope.

But it is up to you to take action.

You have to open the door of your heart to Him and let Him in. Revelations 3:20
He’ll give you peace in a way you’ve never known and sort out your life beyond your wildest expectations. John 10:10. Ephesians 3:20.
Make no mistake about it: you can never sort out your life like He can. It is His hobby not your job. Matthew 11:28. John 3:3. Matthew 6:33.

Rest awaits you.

God bless you.

Maxx’

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8 thoughts on “How did I get stuck in this mess?

  1. Wow, relationships are never easy.

    What I do when my insecurities, inadequacies and weaknesses come calling
    is to confess my righteousness in Christ and His heritage and provisions of redemption.
    By the way, you are not meant to carry the burden of guilt, Christ has carried it on the cross
    Also never find you talking yourself down, instead edify yourself with God’s word.
    Shalom!

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